It’s that time of year again: when Jesus descends from the cross, gathers up his reindeer, and forces us to buy games consoles for twice the price they will be in January. We all know we must purchase items in order to appease this angry bearded overlord, but what presents are suitable for a sci-fi nerd with massive head trauma?
Well look no further, for I have been bravely scouring the internet in search of this year’s least appropriate gifts – cyberpunk flavoured. For example, why not…
Ruin Your House?
If I want to hang something in my home, I want it to be fucking creepy. When I get up to pee at 2am, I want my darkened hallway to contain an image that will cause me to vomit with fright.
Fantastic! It’s a shame that gasmask doesn’t come with a visor, as presumably the mustard gas has rendered her blind. Also, where’s my gas mask? Or is this painting for those with a drowning-in-your-own-lung-fluids-after-inhaling-poison-gas fetish?
Because if so, I want to congratulate the artist on their vision and courage. Well worth $9000.
Dress as a Futuristic Hooker
Like most people with undiagnosed mental illnesses, I dream of dressing like a geisha from the year 2400, but have always found myself thwarted by concerned friends and family members (unimportant!) and the lack of a decent cyberpunk prostitute outfit (vital!). Well now I can throw away all those worthless university qualifications, because eBay has this one covered.
Perfect! All I need now are the facial bruises and I’ll be ready to perform despairing lapdances for men with virtual reality glasses and luminous tattoos!
Mess With Your Daughter’s Mental Health
This seems kind of cool at first glance – you want your daughter to get into science fiction, but alas she’s been indoctrinated by TV advertising and peer pressure into desiring Barbie dolls. Well eBay seller crow3270 has the ideal solution:
Fuck it, who’re we kidding? This is going to be bought up by a 45 year old man and displayed in front of a My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic poster. Which is really just as well, because I’m not certain a covered face and exposed breasts will provide a healthy body image for your child.
Set Up a Bankrupted Business
It’s a common scenario: you’ve spent the last ten years amassing cyberpunk-themed clothing with help from the impromptu child sweatshop you’ve set up in your basement. But where to sell your wares? An actual, real brick-and-mortar store is impossible: your neighbours are boring and insist on wearing ‘normal person’ clothes. Thank the cybernetic gods for the internet!
What do you mean you don’t have $97,000 for a domain name? Every business has insane, insurmountable start-up costs. You just need to charge $800 per Akira hoodie and you’re all set!
Try Visual Contraceptives
Do you want your future sexual partners to realise they made a terrible, terrible mistake? Then this ‘Geek St.’ sign is for you! They’re ‘perfect for any occasion’, so go ahead and hang it above your bed! Wear it to your imaginary wedding! Hide it in your stalkee’s locker!
With a sales description like ‘GEEK Street sign nerd weirdo computer gift kid child boy girl dork jerk off’ how could you not make that purchase?
Spend All Your Savings on a Single Book
How much would you pay for a nondescript book simply titled ‘Cyberpunk’ with absolutely no further clue as to its contents? €400? €800?
How about €999? You’ll never need to purchase another book ever again!
(FUN FACT: the building on the cover is Berlin’s Sony Centre, and having spent whole nights there working on movie subtitles, I can confirm that it’s creepy as fuck at a deserted 3am, and no amount of throwing garbage from the rooftop balconies can make it less so.)
Ruin Your House: Part 2
You’re looking for cushions for your new couch. As a human being, you like cushions to be soft. Quick, what’s the softest substance you can think of? Marshmallows? Cotton wool? Rusted metal?
Unfortunately the cushion isn’t actually made from old car parts. Still, the effect is real enough to drive away friends and potential love interests! Now you just need to find a sofa to match and your horrifying ‘bachelor pad’ will be complete.
Become a Paedophile
Now, let’s presume that I have a hypothetical child, and hypothetical child needs clothes because winter is closing in and there are no animal furs left. These are the things I would need to consider: are the clothes warm? Do the clothes fit? Will the clothes insinuate that I’m engaging in a sexual relationship with my child?
Unless I’m missing something, dressing your baby in an outfit which reads ‘My Other G/F is a Cyberpunk’ kind of implies that your baby is your girlfriend. I’m not sure what else it does imply, seeing as the statement makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Is this what passes for humour amongst sci-fi obsessed crystal meth addicts? Or is this all part of a clever ruse to get the state to take away your unwanted children?
Attach a Monstrosity To Your Head?
Though I myself currently have one, mohawks are beyond the reach of the average person – you need to buy clippers, shave two sides of your head, get hair dye, and then possibly gel. Impossible. Thankfully those cheeky tax-dodgers at Amazon have you covered:
There! Not creepy at all! Your preferred sex will certainly be aroused by your rubber scalp, and the two (!) giant quiffs at the front can be used for swatting away troublesome insects! Angry expression not included.